And In Opposing

I have struggled to pull my thoughts together since the Election results were announced on Friday. The nation has chosen but I am not happy with the decision or what the future holds. This article by steven harris puts it better than I ever could...

Freedom Is Slavery

In a very personal article, steven harris expresses his concerns for the results of the General Election...

Poll Day Bloody Poll Day

It's Polling Bloody Poll Day and steven harris gives you a helpful guide on how to vote, you're welcome...

Say Something

To right a terrible wrong in slating a John Cusack film, steven harris corrects the balance of the universe by reviewing a great one...

Sunday Nerdy Sunday - May As Well Go On As I Mean To Start

Sunday, Nerdy Sunday sees steven harris rambling away about Sundays. WARNING - May not make any sense...

Measure For Measure: Democracy Is Not About Money

In another Election inspired article, steven harris discusses Capitalism and the myth of modern politics...

X Marks The What Now? : I Think There May Be An Election Next Week

My article today seems to have got steven harris a little riled. He's unmissable when he's like this...

Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs

stttttteeeeeevvvvveeee harris reviews this tremendous cartoon which has oversized balls in it...

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Transformers, robots in disguise? But where's the transforming noise they used to make? That's what I want to know. steven harris wasn't impressed either and you don't want to know what he wanted to call this review really...

Monday Nerdy Monday: LIsticles

In a change to his normal Sunday article, steven harris writes the same thing on a Monday....

Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan

steven harris remembers with a deep ,and very unvulcan love, a film that features Spock's most emotional scene...

Oblivion

steven harris really wanted to dislike the latest Tom Cruise film but a strange thing happened...

2 Sunday Nerdy Sunday - I’m Infectious Human Waste. No Wait, I’m a Bloke Writing About Fight Club

Sunday, Nerdy Sunday sees steven harris rambling about Fight Club WARNING - May not make any sense...

Buffy Season 1

Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...

Primer

steven harris wanted to like this one, honestly, he really did...

I Am Number Four

steven harris may will think that I Am Number Four is a big pile of Number 2 but I couldn't possibly comment...

Sunday Nerdy Sunday: All The Time In The World

steven harris has picked up a bargain this morning and he wants to share it with you...

Legion

steven harris casts his angelic gaze over the 2010 film starring Dennis Quaid and Paul Bettany, what could possibly go wrong...

Crank

Jason Statham, the guy is eye candy for the ladies but what happened to his career?...
Oh Jason of the Stathams, what the fuck have you done with your life and your career, man. You’re not like that other Jason from the first (and best) two Guy Ritchie films, Jason Flemyng, are you? His CV has genuine highlights like Layer Cake, The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttoon, Kick-Ass, X-Men First Class or Hanna to balance out the dubious movie choices such as Transporter 2, for example, starring, oh let me see now, total bad career choice maker Statham.

And you, Statham? Let’s have a quick look, shall we. The Italian Job remake – shit and pointless. Ghosts of Mars – pointless. The Pink Panther – stupid v Martin version therefore shit, pointless and angry-making. War – ludicrous. The Expendables – shiiiiiiiiit, shit, shit, shit, shitty shit.

With the exception of The Bank Job, a lesser-known tale of, er, a bank heist which boasts one of Statham’s best performances and a supporting cast that evidently wants to appear in the flim because of the script, not the paycheck, Jason S has sucked in sucky movies ever since wrapping on Snatch. (This is not a euphemism).

Crank and Crank 2 are watchable sucky movies but stupid. I know, I know, they’re meant to be dumb and over the top. It’s ironic. It’s video game television. It’s an arsefest predicated on the unfeasible resurrection of main character Chev Chelios from the first film into the second as though he’s an avatar and he can respawn at will.

There are tits and there is fucking. There is the word cunt. Twice. Oh well in that case it must be an arthouse films, right? Wrong. It’s just an uber-violent, guns as ejaculating cocks film which is why every actor in it plays a character who is a total cock. Ejaculating. Through the medium of guns.

Have you got an hour and a half that you were planning on cutting off your head with? Well don’t cut off your head, watch Crank 2. It’s a tiny bit less unpleasant. Otherwise make sure your saw is sterilised and don’t get blood on the carpet.

What? The plot? Oh do fuck off. As if the plot has any importance.

What? A longer review? Oh do fuck off. As if the film merits even this amount of words.

steven harris is adverse to putting his name in capitals because names aren't that important. Also, lower case is sexy. steven writes all sorts of stuff including fiction, poetry, songs, opinion pieces and shopping lists. He does not write on lavatory doors any more. his blog has writing in it and can be located at www.theplanetharris.wordpress.com He lives in Devon with an imaginary cat called Kafka.

Images From IMDB

Sunday Nerdy Sunday: Rabid I Movement

Ok, this one is really strange, even for steven harris...