Legion

steven harris casts his angelic gaze over the 2010 film starring Dennis Quaid and Paul Bettany, what could possibly go wrong...

Oh look, Paul Bettany is an angel. A naughty angel. A defying God sort of angel. He’s Michael which is odd because I thought that was John Travolta. Luckily he isn’t Michael McIntyre because all he’d do then is run around a stage like an amply proportioned running about the stage person and he’d make observations about your existence that aren’t actually funny but he’d make them appear to be funny by relating these observations in silly voices or by wobbling his head about. Not a good plan when you’re an angel defying God’s wish to destroy humanity.

Yes God wants to destroy humanity. That’s a twist. Thought Lucifer was the one who wanted that? Apparently God has lost faith in humans which makes him a total arse because he really didn’t listen to Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke when he admonished God about having made him the person he was. Take some fucking responsibility for your work, God. Stop blaming us, you vengeful, omnipotent bellend.

Michael is not so fond of God’s plan to wipe out the humans. Nor of God’s idea to kill the as yet unborn child who might prove to be mankind’s saviour. So Michael cuts his wings off, grabs a cock load of guns and heads out into the desert where the pregnant mother of that unborn child is working in a diner.

Oh blimey, the diner is called Paradise Falls. That’s a bit of a giveaway. Now all the dark angels intent on doing God’s bidding will know where to find them. Which they do. Should have named the diner ‘Bob’s Eatin’ House’ or something.

Yes Bob. Bob is a good name. It’s short for bob-bob bobbing along. And it’s the name of Dennis Quaid’s character. It’s his diner. I like Dennis Quaid, don’t you? Just his surname make me feel good. Quaid. Wouldn’t it have been weird if Dennis Quaid had played Quaid in Total Recall instead of Arnie? A missed opportunity methinks.

Other people have names, good strong names that actors have as real people to be their constant names when the temporary names they use in films and on stage and for television stuff are spent. But I don’t care what they’re called because I care less about this movie than I expected to. It’s not so much a Hollywood supernatural thriller, more a TV movie pulling some punches in case the sponsors don’t like too much violence and yet then being all schizophrenic on the sponsor/censor issue by having an old lady say “cunt” within the first 40 minutes.

Michael just about convinces the sceptical humans about who he is and what’s going on. They don’t believe in the Force, do they? Or God. That’s no moon, it’s the Archangel Gabriel and he’s pissed. Not drunk. He hasn’t been drinking. They can’t get drunk (you’ve seen Dogma, right?). He’s pissed in the off sense. Fighty fighty fight fights. Deaths. Escape for pregnant woman who is no longer pregnant cos the baby came along in the middle of all the fighty stuff. Oh shit, Gabriel still alive and he’s killed Michael. And he’s killed Kenny. And he’s killed that guy’s car. You see what happens Larry? You see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?

Sorry, so many films, so few brain cells left.

Michael returns to stop Gabriel killing the babe. But what about the babe. Shut up!

Yes Michael. And his wings are all back and everything. Because God loves him again. Because God is a bellend and didn’t realise that what he least needs in life is a bunch of sycophantic angels pandering to his every rancorous whim. What he actually he needs is angels with balls (not literally, you’ve seen Dogma, right?) who won’t tell him what he wants to hear but who will show him what he needs to see. Or something metaphysical like that.

Blah blah. Some folk live. Some have died. We’re all better people for…no we’re not. We’ve wasted an hour and a half of our time watching this shit and now they’ve gone and based a TV series on the aftermath of these events (Dominion – don’t bother).

Paul Bettany though He’s good isn’t he? And he’s the voice of Jarvis in the Iron man movies. And he’s got a smoking hot wife and some lovely kids. I hate him.

steven harris is adverse to putting his name in capitals because names aren't that important. Also, lower case is sexy. steven writes all sorts of stuff including fiction, poetry, songs, opinion pieces and shopping lists. He does not write on lavatory doors any more. his blog has writing in it and can be located at www.theplanetharris.wordpress.com He lives in Devon with an imaginary cat called Kafka.

Follow him on Twitter as @theplanetharris

Images From IMDB