Oh Jason of the Stathams, what the fuck have you done with your life and your career, man. You’re not like that other Jason from the first (and best) two Guy Ritchie films, Jason Flemyng, are you? His CV has genuine highlights like Layer Cake, The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttoon, Kick-Ass, X-Men First Class or Hanna to balance out the dubious movie choices such as Transporter 2, for example, starring, oh let me see now, total bad career choice maker Statham.
And you, Statham? Let’s have a quick look, shall we. The Italian Job remake – shit and pointless. Ghosts of Mars – pointless. The Pink Panther – stupid v Martin version therefore shit, pointless and angry-making. War – ludicrous. The Expendables – shiiiiiiiiit, shit, shit, shit, shitty shit.
With the exception of The Bank Job, a lesser-known tale of, er, a bank heist which boasts one of Statham’s best performances and a supporting cast that evidently wants to appear in the flim because of the script, not the paycheck, Jason S has sucked in sucky movies ever since wrapping on Snatch. (This is not a euphemism).
Crank and Crank 2 are watchable sucky movies but stupid. I know, I know, they’re meant to be dumb and over the top. It’s ironic. It’s video game television. It’s an arsefest predicated on the unfeasible resurrection of main character Chev Chelios from the first film into the second as though he’s an avatar and he can respawn at will.
There are tits and there is fucking. There is the word cunt. Twice. Oh well in that case it must be an arthouse films, right? Wrong. It’s just an uber-violent, guns as ejaculating cocks film which is why every actor in it plays a character who is a total cock. Ejaculating. Through the medium of guns.
Have you got an hour and a half that you were planning on cutting off your head with? Well don’t cut off your head, watch Crank 2. It’s a tiny bit less unpleasant. Otherwise make sure your saw is sterilised and don’t get blood on the carpet.
What? The plot? Oh do fuck off. As if the plot has any importance.
What? A longer review? Oh do fuck off. As if the film merits even this amount of words.
steven harris is adverse to putting his name in capitals because names aren't that important. Also, lower case is sexy. steven writes all sorts of stuff including fiction, poetry, songs, opinion pieces and shopping lists. He does not write on lavatory doors any more. his blog has writing in it and can be located at www.theplanetharris.wordpress.com He lives in Devon with an imaginary cat called Kafka.
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